omikasigi’s blog

So little time for me to say what I feel. So little time for me to do everything I set out to do. I need to move as well and move as if there was no tomorrow. So many responsibilities yet none for myself. I need to catch up with the times. I need to rise above the shadow of my innocence and I need to be man.

I need to "fix my life" and I need to do it quick...

I'm missing you terribly anata...

I love your new hair cut my love. If you could only notice how often I stare at you at work. If you could notice how often I look at you when you speak, smile or just move and walk behind me. Hoping to somehow brush my shoulder with yours could set my heart at ease. Sadly we have to keep this a secret. I know its very trying and I'm doing everything I can to make that come to pass. I'll be moving soon in the hopes of earning enough and search for a resolution to an issue that has been haunting me ever since. "To fix my life", so that I can truly call you mine.

I love you, I miss your loving embrace, your clings and your kiss on my cheek. I love you, love you, love you, love you... 

Thinking of what to type out just seems empty. I've got a lot on my mind but things just complicate themselves to a point that you loose the sensibility of what you are trying to write down.

I feel so helpless when I see something that I can't fix. It has always been my habit of bit giving up until I get the darn thing fixed. Too bad I can't do the same for my feelings and to the other unavoidable situations in my life and in her life.

There are a lot of pitfalls right now but that doesn't stop me from finishing what I was set to do out 2 years ago. I've got promises to fulfill and I don't want them to be hanging in the air. As much as what others keep telling me, I still push on and live by the words of my dear departed mother. To finish what needs to be finished.

Even though we rarely see each other, even though we rarely walk hand in hand, and even though we rarely meet to cuddle and cling, my love for her still prevails. I've said it a million times but I will do anything for us to be together. The correct way. The right way.

I love you anata... please continue to believe in me as I try to start a new chapter for the both of us... 

Its been almost a whole year since my last post. A lot of things have happened between me and my love. A lot of changes have both touched our lives, both good and bad.

We've moved our office to a new location and its sad to say that because of the new location, we couldn't meet at our regular meeting place anymore. It was too risky because we might be seen.

Also we now have more work than ever before. More tasks and more responsibilities are piling up that we have barely time for each other. When I get a chance, I steal a precious moment while we are alone in the elevator going home. I snuggle and hug her and kiss her on the cheeks. On rare occasions we went home together as I walk her to the train station and say our goodbye's for the day.

There has not been a single day that I think of her constantly. I run my plans through my head on how we can truly be together. No matter how many times I try to modify it, try to change it, only one thing seems clear. I need to leave the company I work for in order to earn more and gain the respect of her family and come out of this hiding.

Sometimes I wonder why I wasn't born Chinese. It would have been easier if I was but it seems God has placed me in an obstacle that I must find a way through.

I love her. I'd do anything for her. Please Lord, help me. I don't want to be separated from her.

We've been together for a year now and I'll admit things have changed and some things have not. Thru the many ups and downs of our relationship, I see every moment an important one. Neither classifying each one as good or bad, I see them as just a step into a direction both of us are still unsure of.

Truth be told, I'm in what you call a "pinch". Cause no matter what I plan for, seems to be diverted to something else. I guess I have myself to blame for not arranging things. Though I'm not the type of guy who gives up easily, I'm sure that in some way and somehow things will fall into place.

I love her truly. Even when she's mad at me. I guess I'm a sucker for attention. I just hope she doesn't grow tired of me repeatedly saying that I'll do something to get her family's approval. I know she said she'd wait, but I cannot make her wait any longer. She's right saying that she is only human. We all are. I just hope and pray that we get that fairy tale ending we all dream about.

I love you anata, and I'm sorry but thats all I can say, I love you...

After a while of not having seen each other. I grew anxious and wanted to see her again. But yet another blunder on my side. My fault for not including her in those emails at work. I thought I could handle to get it done before she returned to work but yeah, I screwed up again.

I'm reaping what I sow anyway. I can't blame her if she's mad at me. I never really want to see her mad because it makes me panic and I can't help but think that I'm the cause of it all. But still, I'd rather see her mad at me than ignore me. I'd rather let her scold me than give me a cold look.

Lord teach me how to be more responsible towards her. I don't want to upset her anymore. Help me please.

Forgive me...

Why is it every time we talk I fall short of what I say?
Why is it when all thing seem fine they seem not to?

A lot of questions go through my mind and I haven't got the slightest idea how to get answers to them all. I may be over-exaggerating but I feel that our time together in this country is seemingly coming to an end. Every single day is more precious to me than a thousand years.

I know I promised to follow her but what do I do to take the first step when that happens? I don't have enough money, not enough resources, not enough contacts. How do I know I can end up at the same state/province when I get there. Never mind that first question. How do I get there in the first place?

I haven't lost hope. I believe that my family has helped many individuals. People who owe my family. My mother died helping them and its time I cashed in and collected the debts. If my dad is willing to forgive them their debts, I wont.

As much as possible I want to avoid talking about this depressing stuff. I want to talk to her about what makes me happy, and I want her to talk to me as if there was no tomorrow. I love her so much but its inevitable that she needs to leave soon.

I don't want you to leave...
I don't want you to go...
But if its the only way for us to be really together...
Then I will bear the pain of being away from you for a while...
I miss you already my love...
I love you...

Every time I see my love disappointed, annoyed or depressed, it feels as if I've become useless. I don't know if my words reach her. The only thing I could do is cling to her and give her a kiss on the forehead. I wish I could do more than just listen. I wish I could somehow give her assurance that I know what she feels but it seems that she is miles away when she is like this. I don't care if she has to punch me. Lots of times in the past I told her to take it out on me. Punch me in the arm or something. If thats what is going to make her feel better then I'd gladly do it without question.

It seems she had an argument with her sister on Skype this afternoon. In my honest opinion, I think her sister has no right to tell her that she is unsuccessful, that she is irresponsible and that she is full of pride. I mean, my love works for recognition and its amazing that she was able to pioneer and build up this department. She even has other side jobs, and does help pay for some of the bills. She is the youngest and she's like doing the work of the oldest. Her sister doesn't have the right to tell her these things because first off all she has no experience in working because she is blessed enough to marry someone rich. Its easy to go point and tell others to do what you think is right but consider doing them yourself is another thing. If she only knew the sacrifice her little sister, my beloved, is going through, instead of preaching her misunderstood perception of "responsibility", they would have come to a better compromise rather than a heated argument that has left my beloved flaming that even I am afraid to quell.

Sometimes I come to think that it could have been my own fault. "If only". Is the phrase that comes to my mind. If only I were rich. If only I were Chinese. If only I was different.

Forgive me my love, I'm just thinking...

I pray to you oh Lord, to give her family an understanding heart, and be open about to what she says.

It was a clould day. She came to the office on what appeared to be somewhat "formal" business-like attire. She somewhat felt depressed that day because she needed to attend the wake of a departed family friend. I was wondering if this was a good or bad time to tell her. So far, the tensions have been high in the previous days and it seemed that she was about up to here from it all. But I took the leap of faith. I went ahead and told her that I wanted to treat her some coffee at Starbucks. So we did.

When we were there, we both ordered coffee. I could still remember, I got a tall Capuchino while she had a Frap. We sat out since it was cloudy on the steel chairs and tables with an umbrella that Starbucks had. For some reason, I froze and all I could talk about was random stuff. For more than an hour, when we needed to get back to the office, she had to buy the boss some coffee so she went back in to the store while I waited outside. I mustered all my strength and when she finally came back. I confessed.

I could tell she was shocked the moment I told her that she was the girl I have been telling her that I had a crush on and that I had been waiting in the shadows for a while now for this chance. At first, she seemed reluctant and told me that her father would not allow our relationship because I was not Chinese. My heart felt its first blow when she said that but I assured her that I will try to find a way to get her father's approval no matter what. Then she lightened up a bit and I heard the 4 magical words.

I like you too...

Everything turned into white and my vision narrowed and I saw only her. The noise, it echoed behind as I could hear my heart racing and beating like it never did before. I thanked God that day. I could not count how many times I said my prayer of thanks.

She likes me...

We went back to the office two different people. Rain began to fall, I huddled beside her as she opened her little white umbrella. We were both happy. I cherished the moment and I'll never forget it.

Thank you for choosing me my love. You'll never know how happy I am. You changed everything. Thank you...

I sort of knew for a while now that her mother had known about us. Mothers are amazing. They know by pure instinct if their offspring is in dire straits. Reminds me of my own mother. She used to sense a lot of my problems before I told her.

Looks like her mother finally talked about us. Giving me and her some advice that is worth ten times over. God bless mothers like her. She laid down a few requirements.

Money. It all boils down to the very basic aspect of material needs. I have enough, but its never enough. You can never have too much money because the need for it will always arise no matter how unecessary it may be. So how will I earn an amount of money that will be enough for us? How much collateral do I need to show her parents that I can support her without her needing to ever work again and so she can live like a princess? I was tempted many times to try my luck at lotto. The only thing that is keeping me from doing it is the voice of my dear departed mother telling me that gambling is a sin. So that means, I have to save up like crazy and deny myself everything that I want.

Abroad. I always knew from the start that I needed to get out of this country. Even my own mother and father have been telling before when I was still studying that I needed to get away from here. Lets face it, this country is going nowhere and no way can you earn here unless you are a politician (because they lie, cheat and steal) or like I said above, you hit the jackpot in lotto. So now, I guess I have to go to the Canadian embassy or some immigration agency.

Self-confidence. I didn't know. I always thought that I had everything under control. I always thought that I was so sure of myself. I always thought I had the answer to everything but no. Its kind of easy to say that one has or doesnt have confidence. I'm so confused. I've been wanting to talk and confront her father for a while now but I don't have anything to backup my claims. Its pretty much easy to say I have confidence when you have everything, but for someone like me, who isn't Chinese and an alien to them. It would be pretty much easy to say that I'm confident if I had everything.

More than a thousand miles. More than just a mere leap. More than just a simple plan. Day by day, my relationship with her gets stronger, and also day by day unforeseen circumstances grow more and more complicated. With all these, my love for you will never falter. I will never loose hope, and I will never stop loving you my assassin.

Lord. I only ask that you help me. I know I have been so selfish in the past but right now I am willing to give up anything just to be with her. Help me Lord and please I beg you. I beg for your mercy and grace. I love her so much that it pains me to think of not being with her. If you must take her away from me then take my life as well. I'm sorry Lord. So sorry.